Widowhood, Day 377 - A Grateful Day
Believe me, it is a strange feeling for someone who is bereft, lonely and I admit slightly angry most of the time. This feeling of peace caught me off guard so I have to assume there is a a reason and I'm pretty sure that reason is coming from a higher source.
Today I am grateful.
The world is a dark and lonely place. People can be cruel, judgemental and downright hurtful at times. We don't know what is in the hearts of others. We have no clue what motivates them nor what kind of demons they are dealing with, and they often see our actions as less than perfect. This is painful and may make us question our own values, in fact our own existence at times. Why are we, the left behinds, the grieving and heartbroken still here? What's the plan, Lord?
As I was struggling with these thoughts this morning, some things became perfectly clear and I know them to be true because my husband told me so.
I am and was loved. Of course we all are in some way by someone, but not all love is the "I couldn't live without you. You are the most important person in my life and I will cherish and protect you until my last breath," way. I had that. It's rare and I had it. In fact I know that wherever his spirit, his heart, resides he still loves me.
I am grateful.
I was valued. He was proud of me, amazed at how we managed so much with so little when the kids were small. He loved that I wrote books and people actually bought them. The fact that I had more education than he did was not intimidating to him. He was secure in his his own worth as a man, husband, father and human being. It was substantial.
In Bill's eyes I was beautiful and he never stopped telling me that. I would roll my eyes and snort. He would scowl and shake his head, but I got it. He aged along with me. He was still strong. His beard had gone gray and he had some streaks at his temples. His Native American heritage gave him a weathered look, and yes he did have wrinkles, but to me he was the most attractive man in the world and I still wanted him, still loved it when he touched me. Loving him as I did, how can I not believe he saw in me the same pretty young girl he married? So, for today at least, I will believe I am beautiful.
I am grateful.
He thought I was a great mother and grandmother. He thought I was generous financially, in spirit and with my time. He loved my sense of humor and delighted in teasing me. He never walked faster than I could keep up with, even though his legs were much longer than mine. He always opened doors for me and held my hand or guided me with a hand on the small of my back.
I am grateful.
I had his undying love, and trust me, it did not die with his body.
So for today, I will treasure this feeling of peace and gratitude as I treasured him in life and still treasure my memories. It does not matter who is angry with me, or who insults me with untruths because they are feeling low or in a bad mood. It does not matter who looks at me and thinks, boy she's not what she used to be. You will not hurt me today. It's not possible because today I know who I am. I am a woman who was loved so well, for so long, that nothing will shake me.
I was given a rare and precious gift today for I feel his love and support. I hear his words telling me to be proud of the woman I am and not let others rain on my parade.
Maybe this feeling won't last long, but for today I will remember how crazy we were about each other, how blessed we were and are.