This has been sitting on my desk for quite a while. I bought it when I went to the Sweet Virginia Breeze Conference in Virginia back in 2018.
Since then it's been written on many times. The kids have entered my office, wiped off the pink chalk and written 'Awesome'. Mike has done the same writing 'Beautiful', and I've used it myself for motivation scrawling 'Get Writing' or 'Get Busy'.
For the past couple of months it's been sitting here, reminding me that I don't exactly know what 'I am'.
I know I am an author. I've had more than 30 books published. I get paid for my work.
People who buy my books, like my books, generally that is. Occasionally, I get a negative review, but that goes with the territory and I've long since gotten over being offended.
I know I'm getting older, fast. I have neither the energy nor the drive to get out there everyday and promote my work on social media. Maybe that's a mistake; I feel like it is and frequently experience guilt that I'm not on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook enough.
I've gotten lackadaisical about doing blog posts as well. I used to really enjoy posting, felt I had something to say if you know what I mean. Now I can't seem to work up much enthusiasm. I understand it's a circle. The more you post, the more people read your blog, the more you post. Unfortunately, the more I do these thing, the less time I have to write and that's really what I want to do, in theory.
Emotionally, I'm on a seesaw. I'm a bride, a fairly new one and my husband is loving, affectionate and supportive, yet sometimes I still feel like a widow. This is not something I ever expected. Not that I thought all the grief would disappear the instant I said, I do, but I guess I thought...well, I don't know what the hell I thought.
Don't get me wrong. I'd marry him again tomorrow and I don't have regrets about that, but still it's a bit like living in two worlds, the old and the new. I'm trying to find my footing, my way.
I gave my office a make over, thinking that would help me stay motivated and truly I love it, but still the writing comes hard. Currently I have a number of books in the works, a third book in The Sassy Girls series, a western, and another contemporary romance. I bounce from one to the other when I get stuck, but it's still slow going. I'm just so disappointed in myself lately.
The weather here in Upstate New York doesn't help. I think everyone who lives here has low Vitamin D, I know I sure do. That sort of drags you down and saps your energy too.
So I sit here wondering...am I talented or just lucky? Have I achieved a amount moderate success with my books because I'm good at what I do, or simply because I refused to stop writing no matter what? Are things off kilter because I have no more stories in my head or because I have too many?
I've also gotten very forgetful. I mean I still know my phone number and where I live, which is a big plus, but I forget lots of stuff. For a while I was convinced it was Widow's Brain, which is a real thing by the way, but now I'm beginning to wonder. Is it overload? Mental fatigue? Oh how I wish I'd started doing spread sheets for each book!
Trying to remember characters, their physical features and personality traits from more than 30 novels is a challenge, so if you're new to this field take my advice and do that. Don't assume you'll always remember every detail of every novel because you won't. I've even had to call one of my biggest fans and say, "Hey Maureen, what was the last name of that character in the book about..." Thankfully, she's sharp as a tack about that stuff and always remembers, lol.
So, I'm still sitting her looking at my little sign and I guess I will be until something happens that makes it very clear what should be written on it. I will keep on keeping on and hope for the best in 2020 and I hope you all will too.
I love you guys and am so very thankful for the friends I've made on this journey and the wonderful authors and readers who are so supportive. Have a great new year.
Hi, I'm Stevie MacFarlane and I write sweet erotic romance and D/D, occasionally with a touch of kink.