It stands to reason that when the worst thing happens to you, when what you've feared most comes to pass you should be able to be brave. Every thing else should be small beans, right? Right?
Then why am I shaky and uncertain? Why can't I make the simplest decision without second guessing myself a million times? I'm signing the papers on a new car and I'm not even sure I want it.
It's got most of the bells and whistles, a 10 year warranty and the damn thing is even orange in honor of Bill. It's all wheel drive with a four wheel drive button for idiots like me who live in the snow belt, but how can I buy a vehicle when I can't make up my mind whether to eat a sandwich or M&M's for dinner?
I'm frightened to the point of panic and it's not just about the car. Picking out paint for the bedroom was a major feat. I was nearly sick in the store. What happened to the sassy, brassy woman I was two months ago? Without Bill I am not who I thought I was. How sad that I've deceived myself all these years. It was all him. He gave me bravado, strength, wit and charm. It's easy to believe all those things about yourself when you have a man who adores you.
Bill was a giant of a man in every way. He was tough as nails, stronger than anyone I've ever met and as gentle with me as a teddy bear. I've seen him back down six men at a field day just by rolling up his sleeves and asking if they wanted to go down one at a time or all at once. There was a 'you don't want to mess with me' look about him that frequently put people off until they got to know him. His voice was deep, a little gravely and he could scare the bejesus out of you with a glance.
Why would I be afraid of anything with him by my side?
It's unbelievable to me. There is an emptiness I don't know how to fill. A void that defies reason. I feel like I'm walking in a thick fog and can't find my way out. I am lost.